So. Much. Fun. (3/8/14)
16 years old. Paulinian. Dramatic. Weird.
All I can say is, what a guy this guy.
I met him last paskuhan. I don’t normally attend but I figured that it was my last year as a college student so I must make more UST memories since I have very few.
It was raining hard that afternoon. We stayed at a vacant classroom in our building and it was already almost 7pm when the rain stopped but the crowd was still huge. We went to the field and damn it was muddy. I didn’t want to ruin my shoes but again, I thought, last na. It will be worth it. My friends and I got a pretty decent spot near the stage but my very little height did not permit me to enjoy the show and stay with my friends at the same time. So, I chose to enjoy the show and squeeze myself in front so that I could see. I was tip toeing the almost the whole time. There was a guy beside me. I figured he was alone cause he talked to me. He was very thoughtful cause he offered me his spot for me to see better. I refused at first but when he offered again, my friend, Aya accepted so that she could take my place (haha). We chatted for a while about fireworks and stuff. I noticed that he sang along with all the performers and that made me embarrassed cause I wasn’t even aware of half of the songs that were played that night. Haha. He left before the show ended and I didn’t even know his name. Just like in HIMYM, I figured that maybe it was supposed to be that way. To experience one amazing night with a person and remember nothing but that one perfect night. No name, age, common friends, college. Just you and that person. Nothing more nothing less.
Someone added me on facebook the following day. I didn’t know him. I’ve never met him but we seem to have a couple of mutual friends that I met in college so I decided to accept. He talked to me and linked me the profile of the guy I met at the paskuhan. The guy’s name was Bene. What a weird name I thought. But I didn’t add him. I didn’t want to seem like a creeper. I found out that we’re from the same college and we’re in the same year so I thought #serendipity haha kidding. The guy told me that he’s friends with Bene and told me that his christmas gift to him was finding me. It was a bit weird cause he was making bugaw already and I was caught off guard so I didn’t mind. It’s not like I was interested anyway. It was also weird how his friend found me considering that Bene didn’t get my name. I asked how but he just said it was easy. So I let it go.
Bene added me the next morning. He asked if I still remembered him and thanked me for making his paskuhan fun. I couldn’t possibly figure out why but that made me smile. It was nice to know that my existence had a little impact on someone. I also had the chance to thank him for giving me his spot. He got my number cause he had to leave already and I gave it but warned him that I don’t text much so he shouldn’t expect a reply. He texted a very corny text but I eventually forgot to reply. He would text every once in a while that christmas break but I would seldom reply. I guess that’s because I wasn’t ready for friendship. I wasn’t open to anyone and I didn’t want to open up that time.
Our constant conversations started when I talked to him to ask if he could recommend someone who would best fit the respondents for thesis. It was supposed to end with a thank you but the conversation continued. Surprisingly, we had a fun conversation. We finished around midnight. I slept with a smile on my face that night. Our conversations continued at surprisingly I was not getting annoyed. I normally get annoyed when someone talks to me constantly but I actually found myself having fun when I talk to him. The conversations were sometimes deep, lite, fun and even sabaw and that’s just I like it. But conversations aren’t enough. For me at least. That’s what I learned from the past. Never fall in love with words. He wasn’t physically present because he was away for practicum. Presence is a huge factor for me and that’s is what made the other guy, B2 have a bit more edge. He’s around.
It seems like Bene gave up on me already. I can’t blame him though cause it’s not like I reciprocate properly but I can say that he has a chance. Or in this case, he had a chance. But I guess he wasn’t aware of it. I kind of hope that he didn’t give up on me so soon cause it could have been something else but maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be. A friendship (?) that was supposed to end abruptly. But then again, I want to thank him for the conversations, pieces of advice, wake up calls and the flower that really made me smile. Thank you, Bene. For the friendship and everything else. :)
If there’s one word that would best describe us, it would be dysfunctional. We were the functioning dysfunctionals. We were anything but normal and that’s good. I like weird. Weird is good. Weird is fun. We weren’t one of those couples that would make people go “awww”. It wasn’t us. We were uptight in other people’s eyes but we knew each other well enough not to care about what other people think because deep down we know how crazy and weird we are yet we don’t mind.
Our relationship was composed of petty fights, silly cries, random calls, midnight drive-thrus, whole-day Saturday movie marathons, 2am drives, unplanned fifteen minute visits, a whole lot of eating, cuddling until we fall asleep, fail cooking and making out. I could go on forever and I still wouldn’t be able to write down everything. One thing I liked about us is our friendship amidst the chemistry and romance that was going on between us. We manage to be friends even though we were crazy about each other. We’d spend every Friday night, whole day Saturday and attend mass on Sundays together every time we can. We could tell each other anything, have “sabaw” conversations until dawn and still not run of things to talk about the moment we wake up. Maybe that is why I fell in love with you. I fell in love with our conversations. I fell in love with our future plans and thoughts. I fell in love with your vulnerability. I fell in love with your soul. You’re the guy puts up a strong façade but were not scared to show me the real you and that is why deep down, I know you have a big heart. You care for your family too much even though you don’t admit it. You respect and adore your mother and that has made me fall in love with you even more. You’re overprotective, silly, crazy, funny and loving all at the same time. Or at least that’s what I thought.
Through time, things changed drastically. You were not the same person anymore. Other parties were involved. But I can’t blame you. People and things change. Change is good; it’s inevitable but it’s good. I just didn’t think it would change us. I always thought we would surpass everything as long as we’re together. I always thought we were invincible but I was proven wrong a bit too many times. You were caught up with a new thing and I was thrilled that you found something that you love. At first, I didn’t mind that you were dwelling on it so much but it eventually became tiring when it came down to just waiting for you to notice me. It was as if I don’t exist in your life. It came to a point where you had to choose between your passion and I. Of course, I couldn’t let you choose and I had to do it for myself as well. It was one of the hardest decisions that I had to make in my life. I didn’t want to let you go but it’s as if you didn’t want me to stay so I had no choice but to choose myself even if I didn’t want to. It was a terrible couple of months. I had instances where I would miss you terribly but you wouldn’t talk to me. There were times wherein my feelings would wake me up in the middle of the night and find myself staring blankly into space crying. I longed for you and I couldn’t do anything about it. You told me to get a life when I needed you the most and that was the time it all sank in. I had to move on with my pathetic little life. These were the most hurtful words that one has ever said to me but I couldn’t agree more. It was a bitch slap by reality and she used you as an instrument which made it hurt even more. The relationship was not healthy anymore. I would drop everything and take a bullet for you but you wouldn’t even cross-puddles for me. I wanted to rekindle the love but it just wasn’t possible cause love isn’t a one-way street. I couldn’t put everything on hold for you anymore. I missed you but I had to live with the fact that I had to live a life without you. I had to get a life.
Maybe that is what young love, first love is all about. It’s all about the craziness, raging hormones, impulsive decisions, late nights, first experiences and adrenaline rush. The break up and moving on was the worst. Maybe I was required to go through that shitty phase of my life to teach me a valuable lesson. It was the time for me to realize that I couldn’t only blame you for the failure of our relationship. I realized that I was also immature, selfish, high-maintenance, self-righteous and a hypocrite. I wasn’t perfect. I contributed to the failure of the relationship I and blamed it on you. So, I’m taking this chance to apologize for all my shortcomings, immaturity and selfishness. I know I was a handful and I thank you for putting up with me especially during trying times and PMS. I also want to thank you for handling me at my almost-worst stage, for being patient when I throw a bitch fit, for listening to my endless rants about people and things that exasperate me, for wiping my tears after watching a tear jerking movie, for sending me weird selfies and sweet nothings whenever I’m feeling under the weather, for making me laugh, for dropping by just to give me a kiss and a hug, for being and eye opener and last but not the least for letting me in and introducing me to your world. It was such a roller-coaster, adrenaline pumping and exhilarating ride but I wouldn’t have done it any other way.
They say time heals everything and true enough, it did. It didn’t happen overnight and as fast as I wanted it to be but it did happen eventually, slowly but surely in God’s perfect time. Things are getting better and my heart isn’t as damaged anymore. Maybe one day we’ll have the right love and the right timing for each other but for now, I’m just hoping for our genuine happiness separately. I hope to God that one day I wouldn’t find my self in a situation wherein it will necessitate me burning any more bridges.