So. Much. Fun. (3/8/14)
16 years old. Paulinian. Dramatic. Weird.
If there’s one word that would best describe us, it would be dysfunctional. We were the functioning dysfunctionals. We were anything but normal and that’s good. I like weird. Weird is good. Weird is fun. We weren’t one of those couples that would make people go “awww”. It wasn’t us. We were uptight in other people’s eyes but we knew each other well enough not to care about what other people think because deep down we know how crazy and weird we are yet we don’t mind.
Our relationship was composed of petty fights, silly cries, random calls, midnight drive-thrus, whole-day Saturday movie marathons, 2am drives, unplanned fifteen minute visits, a whole lot of eating, cuddling until we fall asleep, fail cooking and making out. I could go on forever and I still wouldn’t be able to write down everything. One thing I liked about us is our friendship amidst the chemistry and romance that was going on between us. We manage to be friends even though we were crazy about each other. We’d spend every Friday night, whole day Saturday and attend mass on Sundays together every time we can. We could tell each other anything, have “sabaw” conversations until dawn and still not run of things to talk about the moment we wake up. Maybe that is why I fell in love with you. I fell in love with our conversations. I fell in love with our future plans and thoughts. I fell in love with your vulnerability. I fell in love with your soul. You’re the guy puts up a strong façade but were not scared to show me the real you and that is why deep down, I know you have a big heart. You care for your family too much even though you don’t admit it. You respect and adore your mother and that has made me fall in love with you even more. You’re overprotective, silly, crazy, funny and loving all at the same time. Or at least that’s what I thought.
Through time, things changed drastically. You were not the same person anymore. Other parties were involved. But I can’t blame you. People and things change. Change is good; it’s inevitable but it’s good. I just didn’t think it would change us. I always thought we would surpass everything as long as we’re together. I always thought we were invincible but I was proven wrong a bit too many times. You were caught up with a new thing and I was thrilled that you found something that you love. At first, I didn’t mind that you were dwelling on it so much but it eventually became tiring when it came down to just waiting for you to notice me. It was as if I don’t exist in your life. It came to a point where you had to choose between your passion and I. Of course, I couldn’t let you choose and I had to do it for myself as well. It was one of the hardest decisions that I had to make in my life. I didn’t want to let you go but it’s as if you didn’t want me to stay so I had no choice but to choose myself even if I didn’t want to. It was a terrible couple of months. I had instances where I would miss you terribly but you wouldn’t talk to me. There were times wherein my feelings would wake me up in the middle of the night and find myself staring blankly into space crying. I longed for you and I couldn’t do anything about it. You told me to get a life when I needed you the most and that was the time it all sank in. I had to move on with my pathetic little life. These were the most hurtful words that one has ever said to me but I couldn’t agree more. It was a bitch slap by reality and she used you as an instrument which made it hurt even more. The relationship was not healthy anymore. I would drop everything and take a bullet for you but you wouldn’t even cross-puddles for me. I wanted to rekindle the love but it just wasn’t possible cause love isn’t a one-way street. I couldn’t put everything on hold for you anymore. I missed you but I had to live with the fact that I had to live a life without you. I had to get a life.
Maybe that is what young love, first love is all about. It’s all about the craziness, raging hormones, impulsive decisions, late nights, first experiences and adrenaline rush. The break up and moving on was the worst. Maybe I was required to go through that shitty phase of my life to teach me a valuable lesson. It was the time for me to realize that I couldn’t only blame you for the failure of our relationship. I realized that I was also immature, selfish, high-maintenance, self-righteous and a hypocrite. I wasn’t perfect. I contributed to the failure of the relationship I and blamed it on you. So, I’m taking this chance to apologize for all my shortcomings, immaturity and selfishness. I know I was a handful and I thank you for putting up with me especially during trying times and PMS. I also want to thank you for handling me at my almost-worst stage, for being patient when I throw a bitch fit, for listening to my endless rants about people and things that exasperate me, for wiping my tears after watching a tear jerking movie, for sending me weird selfies and sweet nothings whenever I’m feeling under the weather, for making me laugh, for dropping by just to give me a kiss and a hug, for being and eye opener and last but not the least for letting me in and introducing me to your world. It was such a roller-coaster, adrenaline pumping and exhilarating ride but I wouldn’t have done it any other way.
They say time heals everything and true enough, it did. It didn’t happen overnight and as fast as I wanted it to be but it did happen eventually, slowly but surely in God’s perfect time. Things are getting better and my heart isn’t as damaged anymore. Maybe one day we’ll have the right love and the right timing for each other but for now, I’m just hoping for our genuine happiness separately. I hope to God that one day I wouldn’t find my self in a situation wherein it will necessitate me burning any more bridges.