I miss you a lot these days
Jyn Enriquez. Sponteinity, adrenaline rush, tight hugs, sincere kisses and golden dreams.
I don’t want to tweet anything dramatic or negative on a Monday. I don’t want to rant to my friends anymore because they’ve had enough of me but I just need to let this out. I never ask about you. I really try not to know things about you anymore but it seems like no matter what I do, I still find things out even if I don’t try. I don’t want to think about you anymore. I don’t want to talk about you anymore. You’ve consumed more than enough space in my life. I’ve allotted more space and time than you deserve. I want to stop. I want to start anew and believe that everything happens for a reason and that everything will be fine. I want to believe that I deserve another shot in finding genuine happiness. I don’t know why I still find out things about you. I’d like to believe there are reasons why but it seems like every happening is piling up. I’m not finding anything out. I don’t know why I had to find things out. I don’t know what is going on with you and as of the moment, I don’t want to know. I just really want to be happy and find clarity, that’s all.
Stings like a bee
I find this attachment so ridiculous. I don’t know if this is just psychological but I can’t seem to find any rational reason for it. I try to ignore it. I try not to think about it. I tell myself to stop when I find thoughts lurking around in that area again. After a while, I thought I was fine. Maybe I really was. I don’t know but I was getting back on my feet. I was engaging myself in life again. I was doing fine. Maybe we met at the wrong time. Maybe you faked the connection or maybe just filtered it. Maybe it wasn’t really real. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be. What I don’t understand is why I’m not hopeful. Why I’m not positive. Why I’m not looking forward to a new beginning. Maybe I think it’s better than it really was. Or maybe I find it too good to give up on. I have no idea. Sometimes, I want to forget to get this feeling of emptiness over with. Other times I don’t want to forget because I love how you made me feel. I’m pretty sure I was genuinely happy and I now know for a fact that I’m not going to settle for anything less that that. I just don’t know where to start. I’m so confused. Should I look for it or will I let it find me? Will I let this feeling of emptiness linger and wait for the right time or take charge? Earlier today, I saw pictures of you. I thought I was fine but it still stings a little. I don’t know how I’ll recover but I hope I’ll find a way soon.
I don’t want to forget you.
I miss you I miss you I miss you in miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you
How can something that feels so genuine end up like it didn’t matter one bit? It was by far the best month of my life. I don’t know if that’s an overstatement or my life is just too boring to the point that it made me consider July 2014 the best month of my life. I didn’t expect for things to work out that way. I prayed for my career, family and friends and made the matters of the heart last in my priorities but it still came. I don’t know if I’m in love or if I fell in love but I know that I cared deeply for that person. What scary is that there was no basis. We weren’t friends for me to have cared that much for him. I didn’t think things would turn out that great, that spontaneous, that right, that real. It was as if I was on cloud 9 for a month and I never wanted to go down and go back to reality. I was extremely happy. I was the happiest that I’ve ever been. It was not entirely smooth sailing but for me, it was worth the hassle. I learned to appreciate interests and respect differences cause we never really had a common ground, just connection (I hope). He made me feel like I’m the happiest person in the world. He made me want to become a better person. He made me want to pursue higher achievements and be fearless. He made me feel like I’m the most special person. He made me feel like I was worth the effort and the hassle. He’d go out of his way just to see me. I didn’t notice the time and didn’t check my phone when I was with him and counted the hours and checked my phone a lot when I wasn’t. I didn’t want our dates to end. I didn’t want to stop talking to him even if we just parted ways. I wanted to get to know him more, to appreciate his quirks, to hear his voice, enjoy his embrace, witness his smile, to see his soul. I know deep down he’s one of the best people in this world (and it’s ridiculous to say that because I only knew him for a month). I love our car rides where he would randomly kiss my hand, forehead, nose, lips. I love our dates wherein we just talk non stop about anything in the world. I love how we share opinions about life. I love how our differences was never a hurdle. Everything was effortless and it didn’t make sense but I was fine with it. I appreciated where we were and hoped that everything will fall into place eventually. Then just like that, everything changed. It didn’t make sense just like our relationship and it bothered me. I didn’t think it was possible to throw away something good. I didn’t think it was that worthless to throw away. I know I didn’t believe in mere words. I’m sure there were actions related to those sweet nothings. How can someone invest and forget? Why was it that fast? Why did things happen that way? What was its purpose? I have so many questions that I’m not supposed to ask because again, it was just a month. It’s ridiculous to get attached this much and this soon. But my biggest question is, why does everything need basis, need to make sense for it to be considered real and sustainable? Maybe I have the matters of heart figured out all wrong. I don’t know.
I miss you, Dustin. This is ridiculous.